A Day of Depression

I feel so down today. Did yesterday as well. Is it all because I’ve had some frustration at work? Might be. But more things seem frustrating as well. Deliveries being delayed. Sessions of fun and play being postponed or canceled. It just seems things aren’t going my way. But more than that, it’s something physical. I feel exhausted. I don’t sleep well. I twist and turn and wake up and have weird dreams. And I wish I could feel less tired. It seems though, that I cannot. Why am I so sad? I feel useless. Like I am a bad man, in the way at best but probably out-right destructive. I don’t contribute. I only demand, and take. Even wanting to give is a demand. How can I feel better about myself? I do give, but I cannot find pleasure in it. I do take, and that makes me hate myself. I do drive, but I wish I hadn’t. And I do withdraw, but it makes me feel ashamed. I’m forward, I’m wrong. I’m backward, I’m wrong. I’m in the wrong place, I’m out of my mind. I hope it’ll just pass. Part of me thinks I just have a bad day or a few. Another part panics already and charges up the “I knew it”. I guess it had to come to something like this though. I’ve been feeling swell for so long. Months probably. And I honestly don’t think it’s possible for me to go much longer than that without a backlash, a downfall, a counter-period.

PROGRAMMING IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!! I seriously cannot believe what it does to me. It’s much like disc golf in that sense. I wonder if I should stop doing these extremely frustrating things, because I am so sensitive to frustration. I really don’t handle it well. I don’t take it in stride and ride it out. I meet it with mania. If at first you don’t succeed, then push and push and PUSH harder and harder until you either make it or hate yourself. It’s like I turn up the heat on myself to force reality to bend to my will. But that heat burns me. I want someone to step in and say that I’ve done enough. I should be able to do that myself. It is weak and needy to have to hear that from someone else. It is exactly one of the things I see and pity in my father. It is such a pathetic thing to break yourself just to get one word of encouragement. I usually withhold praise from people who crave it that much. Just to watch them squirm. Probably because I’m just the same. Probably because I hate myself for being like that, and I want to punish myself so I punish them. Punish him. My dad. I blame him for having made me be like this. If he would have had one ounce of self-insight and wisdom, he would have not passed on that trait to me. He would have worked on himself and grown up. But blaming him won’t help me. And if I simply let it be I will be running the risk of passing it down to my children in the same way. I will turn to worship instead. I will look beyond myself and lift up the name of Jesus, beyond my situation and beyond my understanding.