Ambition Versus Energy

I can be one of the most productive and creative people. Occasionally. When I feel that wind under my wings, I can go on for days with full focus and basically forget to eat and sleep. It is exhilarating, and I feel alive in a very special way. But then my ambition catches up. I see a huge vision for the project, and the burden of the work between me and that vision completely breaks me. It won’t work. I’ll never get there. Everything is so boring.

So how can I dampen my ambition and let the creative energy flow? I don’t know. Usually the ambition is needed to make the creation feel worth-while. There has to be at least some small chance that my work becomes a huge success. Otherwise, what’s the point of doing it at all? But too much ambition quickly chokes the playfulness and the eagerness. The joy of creation is replaced by the anxiety of perfectionism and self-doubt. How did this happen? When did my capacity become such a disadvantage? I want the world to see my gifts, and enjoy them. But I hate myself for wanting to be seen. And I constantly change from confidence to self-loathing and then back again, in bigger and bigger motions it seems. Why do I expect so much from myself? I don’t know. I cannot bear the thought of committing fully to something and then failing. At the same time it is impossible to perform well without commitment. I feel stuck. I procrastinate. I guess I could just wait for the next surge of energy and optimism. They do tend to come every now and then, and I’m starting to get the feeling that trying to force it is actually counter-productive.