Another Fall

September is here. Another fall is upon us. I like the summer, it seems slightly easier to get by when the sun is warming. And of course, I spend a lot of time playing disc golf. I fear the fall will bring another flash of depression. The winter is coming and everyone talks of insane electricity prices. I find myself worrying about the future, in terms of money. Will we have enough money? Will we make it through the winter? Will we be able to pay all the bills and save some for the future?

It’s easy not to worry when there seems to be nothing to worry about. When everything seems to work out fine and hope is around every corner. But what’s that worth then? Of course I don’t worry when there is nothing to worry about. When Jesus said not to worry, he must have meant it for worrying times. Like now. So I try not to worry. I try to place it all at the feet of my savior. I try to let go. I just suck at it. I have this weird instinct that worrying is the responsible thing to do. That if I don’t worry about it, then who will? If I don’t worry about it, then I am irresponsible. Must have come from my childhood somehow. There’s definitely a fine line between worrying and acting responsibly. Being irresponsible can often be described as not worrying about the consequences of ones actions. But I guess there is a distinction there. That maybe I can be responsible in terms of worrying about the consequences of my actions, but maybe I should not let that worry extend beyond what I can foresee or control with my actions. If I’ve done what I can, then I should be able to let go. If I’ve done what I can, then let the future come as it does. This is the thing though: how can I be sure that I’ve done what I can, that I’ve done enough?

I always feel responsible in a weird way. For things I cannot control. Like the economy. Shit, it’s my fault. I should have done something before, I should have seen this coming! Can you imagine the pressure and the burden? How could I have foreseen anything?

I do feel hopeful though. Isn’t it true that the light shines more brightly in the dark? So with every obstacle that lines up, the glory of God will be ever greater when he takes us through them and beyond. So I say, let the obstacles mount. Let the hardships come. I’m ready to go right through them, with the power of Jesus who lives in me. I won’t know anything about the coming steps, but I will take the next one in faith.