Emotional

I’ve been emotional lately. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s not just one thing. There’s been this whole covid-19 situation that’s been slowing the world down. No sanctioned disc golf events, less money coming in from my consulting job. At the same time, it’s meant more spare time for my little brother so we’ve been able to hang more than usual. I like that. Anyway, my dad’s cat died yesterday and it made us talk. Because he was very upset and I had nothing else to do. It’s nice to talk. At least when I feel that weird sense of not itching to get on to the next thing on my list. I usually have a list of things, or you know, a plan. An idea of what I should be doing right now, and what I should be doing next. And I don’t like to be interrupted. So I don’t like spontaneous suggestions and phone calls. Because they interfere with my plans. But on rare occasions, I have no plans. And even more rarely, that doesn’t even stress me out. And then it’s nice to talk.

I don’t really know what I want to say with this post. I feel that either my life and my history is too interesting to even handle, or it’s utterly boring and completely uninteresting. I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. I have this sense of being on the verge of discovering what my true calling is. What I should do with my life. Sometimes I think it’ll be a great invention, probably a web app, that will be extremely successful and change my life. Other times I think it’s my writing that will do the trick, that I’ll suddenly be discovered as a great author and write a master piece. But all of those things require commitment and a sort of up-front faith that I don’t think I have. And do I really have that kind of patience? “It takes years” they say, about everything related to creating a sustainable business. Like youtubing, writing, freelancing or whatever. Years! Who has time for that? Because what if it fails? Then it’ll take years to try the next thing. I want something now. I want success now. But maybe I already have it. If my consulting job could just stop being so badly affected by the pandemic, and if it could just go back to normal. Then maybe it would pay my bills all year round. I couldn’t know, because it’s my first year there and it’s been far from normal. So should I panic and jump ship, or should I just enjoy my time off in the summer and be happy that I even have a buffer to eat into? Good question. I don’t know. Because it does not feel good when less comes in than goes out every month. In a nutshell, I’m stuck between waiting for God and not sitting around with my arms crossed and waiting for poverty, as it says in Ecclesiastes. About that. Everything is meaningless, he says. I know that feeling.