Enjoy or Die

Another one of the super hot summer days hits, and it’s just too warm to do anything. At the same time, everyone knows there won’t be many of these, so you better enjoy it! Enjoy it NOW, stupid! That’s how I feel. A tremendous pressure to really squeeze out every last drop of enjoyment. I shouldn’t just sit inside, but at the same time it’s so hot it’s just annoying to be outside. But I shouldn’t be annoyed, I should enjoy it. So what to do? Procrastinate, of course. It’s a really weird thing when you find yourself procrastinating your own enjoyment. So I guess I should be going to a lake to bathe or something. But I don’t like bathing in a lake. It’s boring. I want to practice disc golf, but it’s too hot and I’ll just become frustrated and dehydrated. Tonight the wife and I have big plans to drive to a city an hour away and eat a super expensive seafood plateau that she has been going on about for more than a year. It’s super silly but I feel pressure to enjoy that as well. And I am nervous about the whole thing. Like, how can I best prepare? I need to make sure to be hungry. So some sort of physical activity during the day might be good. At the same time, I don’t want to be all exhausted and dehydrated and irritated and having a headache. So I should lie low and stay in the shade? No idea. Also, how do I get out of this mess? Most people don’t have time for all their leisure, so they pick one thing and maybe have time for that. Like, when I was working full time I might have time for one round of golf in the evening and that was it. And I was happy about it, and also convinced that if I only had more time it would be even better and I would just play and play. And most people think it’s that easy. And I guess it should be. But it’s not. I have such a hard time committing to something and then standing by my choices. The nagging thought of “I should have done something else” just won’t budge. How do I get out of this? I think it might be a question of who I think I do things for, and who I feel responsible to. Like, if a random person on the street would judge me for the choices I made, should I care? What about if it’s a family member or my wife? Fuck them, is what I should say. Fuck them if they judge me for trying to do my best with my spare time. Fuck them if they disagree with my choices. My life is mine. Fuck them. I can make my own choices. I am responsible. I have earned my opportunities. I have worked hard to get where I am, and crap I know why I feel so naked. I could make more money. Everybody wants to make more money, and I am in a position where I could make more money than most. But I have elected to trade all that money for leisure time instead. And that’s where the pressure comes from. It’s the same feeling as when you make a par after a birdie streak: “What if I never make another birdie ever again?”. “What if I never make any money again?” Then I should have spent this time hustling to make an income and not just chilling in the couch. The funny thing is that the time I spend actually hustling, I start condemning myself for wasting my opportunity to enjoy myself, since maybe later I will be forced to work and then I will miss the times when I could choose not to. Wow, is it hard to be me.