Fame or Shame

The other night I wrote some post-its, I thought I’d try to persist them here. Basically I had a few insights about fear and joy and glory. Let me see if I can reiterate them.

Basically, I fear that I won’t fulfill my potential. That I will not live optimally. Somehow I imagine there is an optimal way for me to live, and that I constantly risk missing that, and thus failing bitterly, unless I keep on my toes. But it also seems that simply being aware of it and constantly looking for that optimal way is not enough. It seems that I don’t have enough information until after the fact.

Now, the reason for this fear of missed opportunity and unfulfilled potential might be that I fear I will not get the glory that would come with a great life. I fear that if I don’t take this or that chance, I will never get glory. I will never be rich and famous and praised by the masses. And so here is the crux: Why on earth would I want riches and fame and praise? What this striving really does is that it makes me lose my joy and presence in the moment, because instead of enjoying myself in the here and now I worry about the outcome: fame or shame. It appears that somewhere along the way in my childhood, the focus switched from joy to glory. It switched from happily pursuing whatever enthused me and gave me pleasure, to instead chasing after what might give me applause or praise. Might it have started in school when I was at least a year ahead of my class? Might it have started at home when I learned to read and ride a bicycle and ice skate well earlier than you average brat? Who knows. But I suddenly see clearly that someone told me when I was young to trade my joy for glory, and I have been playing a losing game ever since.

What is the reason that striving for glory leads to fear and anxiety? I wonder if it is connected to what God says about himself in Isaiah 42:8 and in Acts 12:23: that he will not share his glory with anyone. I don’t mean I strive to be worshiped like him, but it’s not too far off either. What is the point of me searching for glory? I used to tell myself that I would get glory and then pass it on to God. But that might not be how this glory thing works. If God wants all the glory, then he can have it. And he’ll fix it for himself. All I have to do is to go for joy, following the peace in my heart to pursue that which makes me enthusiastic and glad. And then we will both get what we want. God will get glory and I will get joy.