Goals

What are the goals I strive toward? Getting a PDGA rating of 1000. That is the only one I think is clear. Making my wife happy, I guess. But it is so vague and ever-shifting what that might mean, so it’s hard to have it as a strict goal. Do I need more goals? Usually I feel that the goal of getting good at golf is a thin one that isn’t really real. But maybe I just fear that I won’t succeed so I’m looking for a safety net, which in actuality might be what is holding me back.

What if a goal of mine was to face my fears? To keep pushing into areas that fear is trying to hold me back from? To conquer new ground instead of simply trying to hold the ground I have. That’s not going so well anyway. So maybe my goals and my fears are somewhat connected. I fear becoming a parent, because I don’t think I could handle it. Maybe I should get a little toddler after all. I fear working, because I think I will be exposed as a fraud. Maybe I should get a job again. I fear leading, because I think I will destroy peoples lives. Maybe I should start leading. I fear telling people about God, because I fear I’ll convey the wrong image of him. Maybe I should start evangelizing again.

But then again, it’s more complicated than simply doing what you are afraid of. There might be a reason you are afraid of it. For instance, I am afraid of falling off a cliff. It might not be the best idea to simply jump off a cliff to face that fear. Because I would most certainly die. What are the differences between various fears then? Is it that some don’t involve physical harm, but only risk bruising my ego? Are those the fears I should face then?

Let’s say I do that. Let’s say I’m afraid that people will see that I’m afraid. Should I then start telling people that I’m afraid? What good will that do? I am so afraid. Excuse me, I just wanna let you know that I am terrified right now. Ok. Then what?

Because the thing is that it’s not only my fears. Even when I man up and decide not to mind the fear, I run into the next hurdle: What’s the point? Let’s say I wanted to be a comedian. Ok, I’m afraid but never mind that. So let’s just do it. But, why? What’s the point of being funny? I couldn’t say. There seems to be an intrinsic value of humor that is just non-quantifiable. But yeah, maybe I should laugh more. Maybe that would be the cure. And then I should do just that: focus on what makes me laugh, not necessarily trying to make other people laugh.

The question then is, what would I find funny? Small texts, like jokes? Maybe. Let’s try one.

A man and a woman stepped into a hotel lobby. The woman looks at her phone and goes “honey, did you really remember to turn off the oven before we left home?” The man looks at his phone and goes “yes, but this is not my phone!”.

Ok, that was utter nonsense. It reminds me of the movies I did together with a friend in school, when I was about 13 or so. They were also nonsensical for the most part, with some kind of over-arching story that sort of kept the chaos together. Maybe that’s a format I should expand on. An big picture that makes sense, filled with nonsensical details. Is that how I view life? Actually it probably is. The big picture is rather clear to me. God created the world, the world went astray and humans turned their backs on him, Jesus paid the price for their redemption so the relationship could be restored, and now we will be with him for eternity. And, in the meanwhile we wait for all the absurdities of this life to pass on by. A big picture that makes sense, details that are completely unfathomable. Let’s try one of those then.

He felt the drops of sweat pushing through the skin in his forehead. Had the bus already passed? He intensely looked around and read the signs of the bus stop, just to verify what he already knew deep down. He was too late. Shit. He had promised his wife to be home at 6. They were going to eat s’mores and watch TV. But now, who knows when he’ll get home! Oh, but there is the bus! Never mind then. He got on the bus and got home in time.

I don’t know if that is exactly what I was going for. It is nonsensical for sure, but not quite in the way I aimed for. Oh well, I think I’ve written enough for this session now. See you next time!