It Is All My Fault

What a strange day. It started with a major breakthrough in a work feature that then turned into frustration because I thought I was over the hill but then ran into trouble. I started building various solutions that just made it worse, until I figured I had been too ambitious to start with, and stupid to ever have dreamed about the grand functionality I had envisioned. I was basically sad all day, grieving the loss of my dream in that specific area. Then I spent like fifteen minutes on the evening, throwing away all the fancy solution attempts and going back to the starting point of my frustrations. It took roughly five minutes to tweak it up to pretty much exactly what I had envisioned in the first place. So what happened this morning? Did I panic and over-think the solution instead of having patience and trust? Maybe. Or did I just have some bad luck? Who knows. The real takeaway from the story though is how my mood changed after I solved the problem and got the win. It was as if the whole world changed. It was as if the air was easier to breathe, the room became bigger and my head and chest felt lighter. It was as if I suddenly could see some of the other things in life, and experience joy again. And of course, this makes me despise myself. Ignorant fool. Immature moron. Pathetic scumbag. How can I let myself be so affected by so trivial things? It is not worthy a man of God to behave like that. It is not worthy a man of wisdom and insight to feel those things. It is simply not worthy. I am not worthy. I am worthless. These things my head say to me, but my emotions don’t even care at that point. They are just so happy that they succeeded with the thing, solved the puzzle, won the game, overcame the challenge. It’s an exhilarating feeling.

And then I tried to talk with my wife and we just completely talked past each other. We don’t even disagree and we end up in an argument-like discussion about what the crap the other person means. I find her so negative and indirect sometimes, almost passive aggressive. But after long debates about who is negative I end up not even knowing who those feeling came from. Is it me that’s negative and indirect? I just try to go about my life thinking about fun and nice things. And then we need to maybe prepare ourselves for the eventual possibility that perhaps something slightly worse than our most beautiful dreams will almost happen to us, so let’s get ready but not really. What?! What are you saying? Why are you saying it? How does this affect my life right now? What could I do, what should I do? Nothing? Well okay, but I sense you really wanted something though, you must have meant something? But yeah, we end up in this weird jungle of non-arguing that just seems impossible to end. We can’t just end when don’t really understand each other, but at the same time what’s the point of continuing since we already know that don’t really disagree? In the end, nothing is really achieved and I end up with that all too familiar feeling. It’s all my fault.