Self-pity

I pity myself. I am frustrated. Nothing seems to go my way. Just a few weeks ago I was on the top of the world. I was optimistic, I played well. Everything seemed to work out for me. And look at me now. Fear and anxiety, frustration and self-loathing fill my days. Who am I? I’m someone who is driven by my achievements. What have I achieved lately? Nothing. Worse, I’ve made my wife sad. I’ve been in her way and I’ve not been helpful enough. One positive thing is that I have been feeding her fairly regularly, by cooking, which basically never ever happened just a few years ago. I sometimes think that what if I could just settle for the life I currently live. What if I could be happy cleaning and cooking at home, and then playing a bunch of disc golf and watch the years go by in a steady and stable pace. But I just cannot. Now, is it because I am motivated by fear, or is it because it’s not me? Who am I really, then? I have this sense that I should do something bigger, that I need to achieve more. That I’m already late to becoming something actually great. Something memorable, something astonishing. Because right now, I feel like nothing. I’m ashamed that I don’t enjoy my life more. I am embarrassed that I don’t feel freer, and that I don’t live a cooler and more awesome life. I live the dream, but what do I fill it with? What passions am I pursuing? What creativity am I letting flow? None. I just suck. I wake up in the morning and waste my time until evening comes and I can lie awake fearing the next day. Is anything real? Is anything worth doing? I want to be part of something real. But I am so afraid of leaving what I know. And I am so afraid of hurting my wife by changing direction. So it has to be something epic from the comfort of my home.

Why can’t I just succeed? I’ve been practicing. I’ve been working hard. And then nothing. Failure. Faiiiiiiilure. I hate it. It’s beneath me. And that’s probably the problem. I’m arrogant, I think I should never have to fail again. And so I become angry and empty. And fearful. And I just want to quit. Is there any sort of game one might invent that the player will always succeed in, without it being boring? Maybe I should make that game. You throw a basketball and the hoop moves to catch it. Nicely done. You throw another one, the hoop catches that one too. Good shot. Or maybe make it even simpler. You press a button that says “play”. Then a text informs you that you won. Do you want to play again? Cool, you won again!

I’m honestly not sure that it would be the worst game ever. It might actually be uplifting for a bit. At the same time, I think we all know that I want to be better than everyone else. If I’m not, then I’m the worst. Because I should be the best. Wow. Were did I get this from, and why is it still with me? Not sure. But it seems I cannot shake it. It seems I cannot change. It seems I am condemned to repeat the same kind of bullshit over and over again. And then I come to some sort of insight, I think, and then I get a high again. But it always ends up right here. My wife just came in and we made up about this morning when we had a little misunderstanding. Cool. But now I cry anyway. Because I feel so lonely. I cannot talk to anyone, because I don’t want to drag them down. It’s not their job to lift me up. If I told them I feel unloved and shitty, they would feel forced to tell me they love me and that I’m not shitty. And so what would be the point? It’s all just words. Just like these one that I type. Words words words. They have no impact at all, they make no difference. Just like me. Sometimes I think that I should…

My wife interrupted me and comforted me. We had dinner together and then went to sleep. I woke up at about 3:30 in the night and here I am again.

I just woke up and realized what I’ve been missing. Contentment. I am not content with anything, which leads to a desperation. Nothing is good enough for me, so I can never enjoy it. To make the golf analogy: If I’m not content with whatever score I might arrive at, then I will constantly worry about my score. This will lead to a desperate game style that will make a good shot nothing more than a relief and a bad shot an unforgivable and horrible misstep. Same in life. If I’m not content with my income I will worry to death about it. If I’m not content with myself and my body and my skills, then I will never be happy. Now, there is a thing I must figure out. I feel a conflict between contentment and drive. I believe that what makes me force myself to never be content is a fear that if I’m happy with where I am, then I will stop moving forward. Then I will forfeit all of my potential and waste all my chances. The golf analogy again: I’m on the tee, but I’m so content with just being here that I don’t even throw the disc toward the basket. This is of course nonsense. I would always know what the goal was and do my best to reach the basket in as few shots as possible. It’s just that I would not have this raging fear tearing at my soul. I would not put my self-worth on the line with every throw, since I would be happy and content no matter the outcome. Wow, that sounds great! What about life then? If I was happy with where I am, would I not do anything? Would I just sit in the couch and waste time? Probably not. I sense I have been lied to. I sense it is actually completely the other way around. It seems that what I fear will happen if I am content is actually what is happening because I am not content. I am afraid I might not make any birdies if I’m happy not making birdies. In reality I’m not making birdies because I’m afraid I won’t make them. I’m afraid I will waste my time with distractions and bullshit if I am happy not making progress and coming up with something big. In reality I’m wasting my time on distractions and bullshit because I’m afraid I might not make progress and come up with something big.

So let’s just be clear with one thing. I have tried the never-be-content approach. I’ve been hard on myself and pushed on, not allowing myself to settle and be happy with where I am, who I am and what I have. The experiment has been running for thirty years, and it’s time to face the facts. The hypothesis was false. Discontentment did not lead to better performance, but worse. Interestingly it seems that even if it would lead to better performance, it could never lead to more happiness unless that forced discontentment was then somehow turned off so that the fruits of the improved performance it brought could be enjoyed. But it never could, because there could never be a point were contentment was allowed and enjoyment and pleasure could truly prosper.

I always thought that it was my duty toward God to never settle and never be content. But I am starting to think I was told a lie, and that it is in fact the god of this world that has sold me on greed and envy. As the Teacher says in Ecclesiastes 4:4, my drive for success seems to have been fueled by envy. Now, I wish I could be content right away and just be done with all of the crap. But I think it might need to be a gradual transition and a process. I will ponder this concept more and try to be content. And I will definitely investigate what God’s position is on the whole thing. Or rather, I think I know already but I will repeat it and preach it to myself until it sticks. For instance, Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow. He said not to worry about what to eat and what to wear. He said that the non-believers worry about those things but that I don’t have to. He said to look at the birds. They don’t worry. So yeah, I’m just gonna be content from now on and see what God has in store for me. He has to care way more than I about where my life goes. I’m his work, and he has said that he will fulfill the work he started. I’ll let him do it in his own time, and in the meanwhile I’ll just enjoy my food and drink, as the Teacher said. I just need to be weary that the accuser will try to make it seem like I abandon God by not desperately fighting to reach my potential. But trusting God begins before that. Trusting God does not only mean that I will work my heart out for him. It means that I will wait for his still small voice (1 kings 19:11-12).

Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of hosts. Zechariah 4:6