So much spare time

So here we are again. I’ve not been working much in December, since interview volume is low. I’ve applied for about ten other part-time jobs, but no one has replied so far. So I’ve had a lot of time off, and have been pretending to be “off”. But it’s tough. It turns out I might need routines more than I have believed and more than I have wanted to admit. Hours on end of spare time can be a daunting reality. I constantly ask myself “is this the most important thing?” and “is this worthy of my time?”. I want to really make sure I make the best use of my time, but in reality these questions build up a massive pressure and often times I end up being paralyzed because I cannot know that whatever I thought about doing would be the most important thing to do or valuable. Those times, I usually end up doing nothing or just wasting time, distracting myself. At the end of the day, I want to be able to look back and have a sense of accomplishment and pride. I want to be able to stand up and say “Yes, I spent the day well!”. But most days it is hard to reach that feeling. Most days I waste on leisure. But then again, is that really a waste? What could possibly be worth spending time on? Sometimes, I think the answer is “making money”. Making yourself useful to society or at least work hard trying is always defendable and socially acceptable. Other times I think the answer is more spiritual, such as “pursuing God”, “praying” or “studying the Bible”. But those things can really become arrogance if I don’t actually enjoy them. So I end up in a catch 22 with the latter topic — I want to pursuit God but only if he pursues me. I don’t want to overdo it, and I don’t want to risk getting too eager to “do” something “for him”. Regarding work, I really don’t need more work than I have, IF the interview volume picks up again at least somewhat in January or February. I might be in my dream job situation. So much spare time. But WHAT TO DO WITH IT? I have various ideas that I am afraid to try out, because if they fail I feel like I have wasted that time and should have spent it on something else. Feels like I am caught between a rock and a hard place right now. But perhaps in the long run I will realize that I actually have plenty of time, and that some it can freely be “wasted” on “failures”.