Thoughts After Free Coaching

I just talked for about an hour with a coach on google hangouts. He had reached out to me on LinkedIn and offered a free hour of coaching. It was like two months ago or something so I had completely forgotten, and I was like 15 minutes late into the call! So embarrassing, but then we had a nice talk anyway. I explained how I’m torn between things to do, and he pointed out that it might be my perfectionism that is preventing me from starting things.

And I just realized a connection. When I was young, my perfectionism was stronger as it was basically dwelling unnoticed and unopposed in my mind. And at the same time, I did not like people. I did not like them in general, because they were all so non-perfect. Imperfect? Never mind, they were bad basically. They were so awkward and pathetic and needy and whiny. And destructive and in the way. So I was drawn to technology, systems and abstract ideas. The flawlessness of mathematics. The beauty of perfect patterns.

But then as I got older, I was shocked with how I started to enjoy people more and technology less. I started becoming bored with predictive systems and mindless patterns. They did not challenge me and attract me the way they once had. Instead they seemed repetitive and dull. Why should I pour my unquestionably invaluable passion into soulless systems that did nothing actively and could never reflect that passion and just pure life back in any meaningful way? I recently wrote a piece about how I used to love playing single-player computer games but don’t anymore — that shift might be part of the same overall transition. Interestingly, I also think I liked myself less back then, and tried to hide my own flaws behind the flawless systems I so desperately clung to.

As I have grown older, I have become more and more fascinated with people — human individuals — and the struggles they face. What drives them, what makes them do what they do and make the decisions they make. In particular, what makes humans fulfill their potential and perform their very best? Now, to study humans and to be around humans and to truly be a human, I believe you have to let go of perfectionism and instead pick up compassion. And I believe there is a feedback loop there, so the more you learn about humans the more compassionate you will become, and the more compassionate you become the more you will learn about and enjoy humans. The endless questions surrounding the human experience make them far more interesting than technology could ever be. A system always has a clear purpose (well, not always if they are poorly designed, but then who cares). A piece of technology has a job to do, that’s why it exists — end of story. But for a human, it’s never that clear cut. Maybe that’s why I’m always intrigued when someone says that they have found their purpose in life. How can they be so sure? It can’t be that society told them or that their employer told them or that they read it in a book. There must be something deep down within them that gives them that conviction. And I am glad for them. Now, if you have read any of my previous posts, chances are that you have picked up that I am born again Christian and full-blown Jesus-freak. Philosophically, this means that I believe that there is a greater purpose for every human being and that they each have a tremendous value to the living and personal God, regardless of their contribution or impact in any way — positive or negative. Practically, it means that I pray and wait for my heavenly father to lead me to that place of purpose that he wants me to be in, so that his loving will can be done and my peace be complete. Now, I am not a perfect believer, as nobody is. My faith is not always that strong, and I often find myself doubting his ability to lead me. But looking back at my life, I see nothing but proof that confirms his promise to always keep me and never forsake me. I have struggled and I have faced grave fear, sure. But never has true disaster struck, as he is still my savior and my rock. Even when I die, I will not lose anything that he has not given me freely. And he has promised to keep me and make me prosper even beyond the grave. Now, I am not trying to preach here, but rather I am establishing my philosophical foundation and my worldview. This is to clarify that when I say I am looking for my purpose, it’s not to say that I struggle with a meaning to live or think life is pointless. There is obvious value in life itself. Life is better than death, good is better than evil and right is better than wrong. All these things are obvious to anyone opening there eyes to see, despite of all the post-modernistic relativistic bullshit that is being pushed around in our society today.

Now then, where am I going with all of this? Not sure. I’m just noting that I find people interesting and that perfection is not required or even preferable when dealing with people.