Writing Again

So I’m here writing again, after a long while. Interestingly enough, it seems as though my urge, and thus frequency, of writing is inversely proportional to the level of distress I feel. What I mean is, I have been really happy lately. Getting this employment, leaving my freelance gig, was a big and hard decision to make. I feared I would lose freedom, gain stress and be back in the slavery I had once gotten out of. But it didn’t turn out like that. My revelation last year that work is not only a curse, but also a blessing, led me to view this employment much differently than all my previous ones. I’ve also made a huge point of keeping my work/life balance and not working too much. It’s sometimes been tough for my ego, but it’s been great for my well-being. Actually, it seems to me that suppressing your ego is almost always good for the real you. So yeah, work life has been good. Great boss who also turned out to be a good friend that I’ve had many complex discussions with on a large variety of different topics.

Personally then, S and I have been in a really good place as well. We’ve both established ourselves as full-time employees and our economy has never been stronger. On top of that, we sold stocks in Acast that covered the 15 % non-loanable part of the house we bought a couple of months ago and will move to in another couple of months. Our relationship has never been stronger. We are in love again, and our ninth wedding anniversary was lovely. S had written me a poem. It was beautiful. It brought me to tears. She was so nervous, and she had put so much thought into it. Usually I’m the one with the words. But she has picked this up and knew how much it would mean to me. We support each other and give each other space. We laugh together. We come to the Lord together with our troubles. We unite in prayer and seek the Lord to remain the center of our relationship and our lives.

My relationships with my brothers are also better than ever. We can talk about almost everything. Sometimes we pray a little together.

With my parents, same there. We can talk. We usually disagree or don’t really understand each other. But we respect each other. And we can unite in prayer.

The pattern is clear. I did not do this. I did not achieve this. I did not “personally develop” into this or reflect my way here. I did not learn. I did not stop being a sinner in need of a savior. And that’s just it. He did not stop being that savior. Jesus got me here. I sought him in my time of despair. He didn’t immediately fix everything. But when the time was right he opened the door. I stepped through it in faith, and he lifted me up on higher ground. I never moved my joy into his gifts, no matter how awesome they are. I know that the safety this world can offer is a cheap fake. I will not trust my salary, my savings, my skills and talents. Not my family: not even my lovely wife. Because they are all gifts, not the giver. They are all beautiful and priceless stones. But they are not the rock. Jesus is the rock. He is the only one that can carry me. All my needs, all my dreams, all my fears, all my plans, all my relationships, all my ambition, all my shortcomings, all my shame. HE CARRIES IT ALL. He always did. And he always will. Jesus you are so beautiful to me. You are adorable, and you bring me to my knees time and time again. You move me. Nothing has ever moved me like you do. I want to bring you glory. I want to show the world your beauty. But I want you to do it. I never ever want to do it my way again. I don’t want to control it. I want to let go of control. I cannot control anything, I don’t have the wisdom. I don’t have the power. You do. You are wisdom. You are power. You are glory. You are humility. You are the lion and the lamb. You are justice and mercy. You are the air I breath. Your plans are never frustrated. Nothing can stand in your way. Nothing challenges you. There is no one like you. All power is distributed by you. All life is distributed by you. All wealth is distributed by you. Nobody has anything that was not given by you. You can take it away. But you want us to grow. You want us to learn. You want us to uncover. You want us to seek you and find you. Thanks for letting me seek you. Thanks for letting me find you. I dance and sing in your joy. The joy of the Lord is upon me! Blessed is his name. The God of Israel is worthy of all praise. May Jerusalem be blessed, my she welcome her king. I bless Israel, I bless the people of the living God. May his name be famous across the earth. May his enemies be put to shame. When the time is right, you will do it Lord. Let your will be done, let your kingdom come. Father, I long to see your kingdom. Send me. Lead me. Put your words in my mouth. Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am.